Viewpoint
Last week, a man burnt his wife and her younger brother to death in a bad marriage situation. A close friend of the deceased who is also a relationship coach and a Pastor, Moses Abiola, sent in this write-up to warn against staying too long and keeping quiet in bad marriage situation. Read on:
In the past few weeks, Michael West has been running a series on bad marriage in which preventive and way forward out of dangerous unions have been offered. As for those who think that every marital crisis can be resolved and also for those who do not see divorce as an option, the untimely gruesome killing of 47-year-old banker, Chinyere Ogudoro, should be an eye-opener!
Let me start by asking, why do people stay too long in bad marriages, especially women? Why? It is risky and suicidal to keep silent in the heat of marital turbulence. The late banker was a victim of prolonged stay and wicked silence in her bad marriage.
When a woman is getting more financially empowered either more than her spouse or beyond his expectations, one may not be able to predict the intentions of a bad man. Some men have a sense of insecurity and they become uncomfortable when their wives earn more or are more successful than them. It is on this premise that I want to share the unfortunate story of a dear sister and friend who was murdered in a gruesome manner on Friday, April 1, 2022. Her husband, currently in the police net, is the prime suspect.
Late Chinyere Magella Ogudoro and I belonged to the same Christian ecosystem on WhatsApp called Young Couples' Fellowship, YCF. Herself and her husband were members of the group. Although, the husband had opted out of the group due to some basic principles of the group which he said contradicted his personal ideology and philosophy about marriage. However, he was readmitted after the wife pleaded on his behalf.
The late sister was very humble, calm and unapologetically generous. An easy-going and ever smiling Chinyere was a rare gem. Though only a few people knew about her troubled marriage, she rarely opened up to anyone about the agony, frustration and danger she was enduring in the marriage that eventually terminated her life last week Friday.
Born on the 12th of May 1975, Chinyere Magella Ogudoro had a promising career in banking while she got married to Benjamin Ogudoro, an accountant. Chinyere did so well in the banking sector as she rose to the peak of her career still discharging her roles as a wife and mother to her four children. She was a Manager at Fidelity Bank before she moved to Ecobank where she resigned as a Regional Manager.
Even though she had a Master’s degree from the University of Lagos in 2006, Chinyere, in a veiled thirst for knowledge and global relevance, went to Glasgow Caledonian University, Scotland, to pursue another Master’s degree in 2018. Whereas her relocation to Great Britain was for separation from her abusive husband but none of us knew this much until after her unfortunate death when truth started coming out.
Following her murder, one of our close friends said “now I understand why she was complaining of depression and suicidal thoughts.” We did not know she was going through a lot just to keep her marriage ship sailing. Travelling abroad to further her studies was just a facade to keep her sanity as her husband once brought out a machete during a fight with her but for the timely intervention of neighbours, things could have ended in disaster.
She had informed us she would be returning to Nigeria. In fact, she asked one of our mutual friends to help her book a flight to Port Harcourt. So, it came as a surprise when we found out she arrived Nigeria on Thursday March 31 and was killed at about 1am the following day April 1. The president of our group who lives in the neighborhood of the Ogudoros later claimed that the husband, Ben Ogudoro, had made several attempts to sell off the property in which they reside but only to discover that it was the wife's name that was on the C of O. He became angry even though it was clear that the property belonged to the wife. She also got him a job using her connections.
When Chinyere arrived last week Thursday at Muritala Muhammed International Airport, her brother, Ifeanyi Joseph, went to pick her to the house. The husband, according to their neighbours, was busy drinking at a nearby beer parlour when she got home. Meeting his wife, an argument ensued, and in other to prevent another physical assault, they shut the door against him. Enraged with fury, he demanded why should they close the door, what were they talking about that warranted them shutting the door. He waited till they were asleep at night, he quietly entered their bedroom, poured petrol on the mattresses and floor as well as their bodies, set them aflame and quickly banged the door behind him with lock and key. He then ran out and started raising a false alarm of accidental fire explosion. Chinyere managed to pick her phone to call but could not because she suffered asphyxiation before she was burnt totally beyond recognition.
Prior to the July 11, 2007 coordinated bombing of commuter trains in India’s largest city of Mumbai, Indians, like Nigerians, were wrapped in the shawls of their innocence and naivety. On that day, terrorists violently yanked off the terror purity shawls off India’s face. In a matter of minutes, multiple explosive devices were detonated in a near-simultaneity. The devices instantly killed at least 183 people, with hundreds of others sustaining varying degrees of injuries.
In a replay of this Mumbai attack in Nigeria last week, eight passengers were killed after gunmen attacked a busy train plying Nigeria's capital, Abuja and Kaduna. The terrorists were reported to have mined the track, ostensibly with IED explosives and subsequently forced the 840-capacity passenger train, with 362 validated passengers, to a halt. They then made a ring round the train’s coaches, opened fire on the defenceless passengers and abducted an unknown number of them from the train.
As worthwhile as a means of transportation as they are, train services in Africa came with resistance and revolt. While some African rulers like Emperor Menelik of Ethiopia and Abbas I of Egypt favoured its establishment, so many others disapproved of it, basing their resentment on the landscape of power and trade that it would tilt in favour of the colonialists.
A major opposition to it was mounted by the Damal of Cayor, Late Dior Diop of Senegal. While voicing his rejection to French Governor Servatius, he had said: "As long as I live, be assured, I shall oppose, with all my might, the construction of this railway." This notwithstanding, Africa's network of railways got started in 1852, in Alexandria, Egypt.
The eyes of terrorists first opened to the mass murder weapon that trains constitute when, on September 13, 1931, a bomber, Szilveszter Matuska, derailed the Vienna Express train by planting a bomb that killed 22 and wounded 120 others.
Since then, terrorists have targeted train services’ full infrastructure like ticket halls, railway bridges, trains, passenger stations, train depots, signaling and tracks. Indeed, urban commuter rail network and subways, otherwise known as mass rapid transit rail systems, have been the soft target of the majority of terrorist attacks. These have led to approximately 1,000 being killed, with over 5,000 injuries, as well as economic losses in billions of dollars.
In the March 11, 2004 Madrid bombings held to be one of the most sophisticated terrorist attacks on a rail target and which killed 191 people, for instance, there was a simultaneous detonation of 10 devices comprising Goma-2 Eco plastic explosive detonated by a mobile phone.
Like a water-dripping sore that naturally attracts a horde of flies, commuter trains have never been the same again after the 1931 Matuska attack. They have since been a special delicacy with which terrorists enjoy sumptuous a la carte meals of their victims’ flowing blood and mangled flesh. This is because train attacks come with high fatality, mass disruption, huge national alarm, paralysis of transport network and the national physiological and psychological trauma that go with it. This is not to talk of the economic loss and long-term dislocation the people face in its aftermath.
The attacks are coordinated by terrorist groups with various attack methods. The list is endless, ranging from Al-Qaeda and its ancillary groups, Algerian and Chechen militants, Kashmiri separatists, South America’s left wing guerrillas and Irish republican terrorists.
London Underground and British Railways were said to have attracted more than 6,500 bomb threats between 1991 and 1997. On August 23, 1973, for instance, the Provisional IRA (PIRA) had targeted mainland UK rail system by defusing a bomb at Central London’s Baker Street Underground station.
Terrorists’ major modus operandi, tactical spectrum and operational template contain the detonation of improvised explosive devices (IEDs).
Asked why he caused so much pain to his victims, Matuska had told his interrogators that he derived sexual pleasure from watching trains crash. Since then, the global statistics of train attacks have mounted unconscionably like Nigeria’s national debt.
Eight years after, on August 28, 1939, during the Nazi World War 11 German invasion of Poland, a German agent, Antoni Guzy also placed a suitcase bomb at a busy railway station which killed 20 and wounded 35.
According to the database of Jane's Terrorism and Insurgency Centre, between the period of 1998 and July 2006, at least 74 separate terrorist attacks were unleashed on heavy rail, metro subway systems and light rail systems globally, as well as on trains and other rail infrastructure.
Since that last week’s attack, Nigerians have been wrapped up in the shroud of sadness. Newspaper features focusing on the victims made matters worse, evoking grim and tears in the people.
Sijuade Oyetoso, TUC Chairman, said to have been shot in the head inside the train, as well as Chinelo Megafu, the young medical doctor graduate of the University of Port Harcourt evoke sessions of tears. Just a few days before this attack, heavily armed terrorists had attacked the Kaduna airport, and by the time they finished the operation, a security guard was shot dead. This led to flights cancellations.
Only yesterday, a news report said that no fewer than 1,545 persons had been killed by terrorists in the first quarter of 2022. Quoting a joint report by the Community of Practice Against Mass Atrocities and the Joint Action Civil Society Committee, under the aegis of Nigeria Mourns, the report also said that at least 1,321 persons were abducted by these terrorists between January 1 and March 30, 2022, with Nigeria’s North-Western states of Kaduna, Zamfara, Katsina, Kebbi and North-Central state of Niger, coming under intense shelling by these cadaver-loving terrorists.
While kidnapping for ransom has become commonplace across Nigeria, this selfsame Abuja-Kaduna highway has acquired the notoriety of one of the most dangerous roads in Nigeria. Kidnappers string round it like ants make a ring round the pee of a diabetic, ambushing vehicles at several points on the expressway corridors, killing many and constituting selves to lords of the Manor on the road.
With the above unflattering statistics, it will appear that, by still being shocked by attacks from terrorists, Nigerians, like the proverbial ostrich, are in the first stage of psychological state of denial of the reality that their country is a terror corridor. In the architecture of terrorism, mass commuter rail transport is one of the most vulnerable weapons of terrorists and terrorism attacks.
Indeed, global graphs of terror attacks since Matuska’s have shown clearly that Islamist militant groups have a notorious interest in specifically targeting rail transport because of the mass casualties that often come from such attacks.
The question to then ask is, were Minister of Transportation, Rotimi Amaechi, the National Security Adviser, Babagana Monguno, their Commander in Chief, Muhammadu Buhari and the coterie of so-called securocrats who surround the seat of power, so naïve about the pleasure that terrorists derive from attacking trains, so much that they didn’t know of this elementary fact?
Whether out of ignorance, the usual lackadaisical attitude of Nigerian leaders or their oft quest to always put financial interest ahead of the people’s welfare, when the train attack is reduced to its brass-tacks, it will be difficult not to ascribe the deaths of these innocent Nigerians to a deliberate wastage of citizens’ lives that is the familiar penchant of her leaders.
The logic is, since it is no longer news that Nigeria has become a notorious terrorism corridor, how does one explain why government had to be picking its tooth while train commuters plied the Abuja-Kaduna notorious route, or any other train route in Nigeria, without adequate security?
Apart from the fact that Kaduna State has become one of the most dangerous places to live in Nigeria, it is a known fact that the Abuja-Kaduna highway is one of the most dangerous roads in the country. It is full of a swarm of kidnappers who are known to ambush vehicles at several points on the expressway. Taken altogether, one can then safely say that the blood of these innocent citizens, shed violently midstream, bears government’s vicarious hands.
With the subsequent leakage of a memo said to have been presented by Amaechi to the Federal Executive Council (FEC) but which was rightly rejected, it becomes a necessary conclusion to say that this wastage of the people’s lives in that train attack must have been due to one of three probable reasons, or even all: Sabotage by those hungry to prove a point; government’s deliberately naive trivializing of the destructive powers of terrorists, and, third, the cruelty of government’s act of placing the cart before the horse.
By preferencing the publicity stunts inherent in rushing first to shore up sagging government’s public credential through launching of the train “revolution” in 2006, rather than putting in place a simultaneous installation of security gadgets for the protection and safeguard of people’s lives, the Nigerian government can logically be said to have blood of the people dripping from its hands.
Amaechi was said to have presented the wishy-washy memo to the FEC presided over by Vice-President Yemi Osinbajo on September 24, 2021. In it, he had requested FEC approval of N3.7bn for contract on surveillance systems along the Abuja-Kaduna rail track. In presenting the proposal, Amaechi, two-term governor of Rivers State and a 7-year minister, had recommended a firm, Mogjan Nigeria Limited, with a very manifest incapability and nil track record of previous handling of such contract, as his preference. The company, incorporated on August 6, 2019, less than three years ago and with a turnover of N84.9m, was Amaechi’s best for the execution of such a humongous job. To worsen matters, this leaked memo was said to have revealed so many more incongruities which, were it to be in a saner clime, Amaechi should have been fired for gross misconduct and laxity.
Upon the attack, however, while fielding questions from journalists, Amaechi had claimed that he predicted the imminence of the attack and, ostensibly gloatingly, condemned the rejection of his memo presented before the FEC.
A few questions arise from this macabre atilogwu dance that Amaechi and the federal government are making on the graves of Nigerian dead. The rail services “revolution” was commissioned in July, 2016 by Buhari and this selfsame Abuja-Kaduna train was the anchor. Speaking at the train’s main station at Idu, Abuja, Buhari promised that government would link all states and commercial centres of Nigeria with the rail lines. He later took a ceremonial train ride from Idu to Kubwa. This was at a time when terrorists’ bayonets were penetrating the nooks and crannies of Nigeria.
If Minister Amaechi was then presenting a memo for the procurement of security gadgets on that corridor in 2021, five years after the train services commissioning, it will mean one of three things: that Amaechi was totally naïve about the destructive powers of terrorists; that he was unapologetically simplistic about it or was grossly unmindful of the need to provide an ancillary security of the rail systems to go simultaneously with its commissioning. Or could it be that he just didn’t care? By presenting such an embarrassingly empty doggerel as memo to the highest decision-making body in Nigeria, it seems to point to the fact that such regime of laxity, rigourlessness and, I dare say, fakery must have marked previous presentations to FEC which their sponsors got away with and which strengthened him to present a similarly vacuous memo. The memo may just be pointing at a pedigree of maggot infestations in procurements and contracts at the highest level of governance in Nigeria.
It will appear that Nigerian government and its so-called securocrats are only excellent when it comes to filching budgets of security. For a Nigerian military that went to field operations across the world, garnering laurels and badges of honour for its performance, the only explanation for this feigning of counter-insurgency inability by the Nigerian military must be the gross national larceny sense that has infiltrated the high command of the Nigerian security. Like Eddy Iroh said in his Toads of War, Nigerian military generals have grown rotund bellies and cheeks, like toads, out of this terrorism calamity in Nigeria. It is why there is mutual suspicion, jealousies and efforts at cross-purposes across the forces.
Otherwise, in the rest of the world where terrorist attacks occurred, military Generals, working with the entire national security architecture, took time to study the psychology of the attacks, with a view to countering them. Russia, Germany, Pakistan, Angola, South Korea, Colombia, Japan, UK, France, Spain, Italy, India, Philippines, Sri Lanka and Venezuela, among others, have witnessed worse form of terror on their railway networks than Nigeria did. Immediately after terrorists attacked the World Trade Center on September 11 2001, the New York subway became a recipient of its disruption as almost a quarter of a mile of its tunnel got filled with debris from the bombed twin towers, in addition to structural damage to three stations. After these attacks, counter-insurgency experts went into spirited works to prevent further attacks. One, they found out that, aside the mass murder that trains pose to terrorists, the long-term economic loss, as well as massive scare on collective national and corporate psyche, are the garlands that terrorists are obsessed with, which make train attacks their most desirable option. The 2004 Madrid rail bombings, as well as the 2005 attacks on London's transport network are good examples here.
In Nigeria, however, knowing the ancient predilection of our leaders for being lax and greedy, train attacks like the one of last week are likely to intensify. Terrorists are far more committed to their craft than those paid to keep watch on the people. Security experts know that bombers don’t just strike without doing a reconnaissance and survey of targets. In the Abuja-Kaduna train attack, some of the terrorists were said to have been on board. Did our security know this?
With the soft target that bombing and attacking trains pose in terrorism corridors worldwide, chief of which Nigeria is, it will be gross criminal laxity or inexplicable compromise for the Buhari government not to have anticipated the Abuja-Kaduna train attack. By even seeking to install those security equipment in 2021, it showed that Amaechi had an awareness of the threat terrorists posed. So what has happened between then and now? Did he fold his arms? Those who claim that there is a dalliance between top government officials and terrorists may have had a corroboration material in this train attack. It reminds me of Willo Davis Roberts’ Blood on His Hands, the story of 16-year-old Marc and his bloody travails and confrontations. One thing that is not in doubt is that, the blood of the murdered is crying for vengeance from the Buhari government.
Because a 50-year-old is almost 3 times more likely to found a successful startup than a 25-year-old says inc.
Mark Zuckerberg -- clearly no stranger to startup success -- said "young people are just smarter." Maybe that's true.
But that doesn't mean younger entrepreneurs are likely to be more successful than, um, more "seasoned" entrepreneurs. A study conducted by the Census Bureau and two MIT professors found the most successful entrepreneurs tend to be middle-aged -- even in the tech sector.
After compiling a list of nearly three million company founders who hired at least one employee, the researchers found that the average startup founder was 45 years old when they founded the most successful tech companies. (In general terms, a 50-year-old entrepreneur is almost twice as likely to start an extremely successful company as a 30-year-old.)
Another study published in Journal of Business Venturing found that entrepreneurial success, where age is concerned, is fairly U-shaped. (Especially for female entrepreneurs.)
Granted, younger entrepreneurs may have better insights into how new technologies could meet consumer wants and needs. And younger entrepreneurs may be less risk averse; it's harder to quit a full-time job and take a flyer on a startup if you have a number of mouths to feed.
But on the flip side, older entrepreneurs can benefit from their broader business, leadership, and execution skills and experience. Inexperience makes developing sound strategies more difficult. Inexperience makes building a team more difficult. Inexperience makes turning an idea into a reality -- much less a profitable reality -- much more difficult.
As the researchers write, "Age has ... a positive effect on subjective success, firm size, and financial success."
Because the only way to decrease the number of things you don't know -- and, just as important, have a good grasp on which things you do well, and which you don't -- is through gaining experience.
If you're in your 40s, and want to start a business, don't let age hold you back. If you're in your 50s, don't let your age hold you back. If you're in your 60s, don't let age hold you back.
The skills, experience, and savvy you've acquired could mean you're the perfect age to start a business.
...Should children be their parents’ retirement plan?
...I am so sick to my stomach!
…A 73-year old woman’s statistics
She was a UNTH nurse and retired since 2007.
1. Widowed in 1999.
2. Gave birth to 6 children with 5 surviving (4 boys and a girl)
3. Her husband was a retired Principal
4. Her only daughter lives in Lagos _( in a bad marriage since her husband doesn’t allow her to bring her mum over)
5. Her three sons live abroad. The only son in Nigeria lives in Enugu and his wife pays her a visit on Sundays but stopped for reasons not revealed.
6. Her only sister, who is older than her but still strong in health, visited and found her in a bad state and decided to take her with her to her Umuahia home.
She had signs of dementia. She also suffers from diabetes and weak bladder. So, the urine smell complained by people is well understood. Her only elder sister took care of her since her arrival till her sister’s son had accident in Abuja and was left for neighbours to attend to her.
The sister’s neighbour left her and travelled.
Mama was found dead close to an opene fridge. Her corpse has been deposited in a morgue this morning.
Her first son is a medical doctor in America, married to a Brazilian and only called once in a while after her mum was moved to Umuahia by her sister and kids.
___________
ANALYSIS:
Mama is not childless.
She raised all her kids and they’re all professionals.
Money was not an issue. Her husband, though a principal, built a bungalow where Mama and her kids lived till his death.
Mama’s sister said her only daughter has only called twice since she came to Enugu and picked her younger sister with her.
Mama’s senior sister wants to bury her Junior sister on her own and mourn her quietly !!
Her kids are now back crying and saying they will give their mother a befitting burial.
I wanted to call them out & curse them.
I am in pains.
My heart is heavy.
A woman that raised five children should not have suffered like this.
While you’re popping kids, remember that one day……
– The bones and muscles will be WEAK..
– The eyes might lose their functions
– The bladder might be weak and you cannot control your urine.
– Cash flow will cease.
– Your legs won’t be able to carry your weight.
– Your hands might not hold things due to parkinson or rheumatism or any of the other numerous infirmities
– Your mouth may be smelling because you cannot brush it well.
– Your brain might stop functioning.
– Dementia and loss of memory can set in.
– You may not even be able to take care of your personal hygiene…_
It is called OLD AGE characteristics.
Life can be harsh and your children may be too busy with their lives that your care will be relegated to STRANGERS.
Children are NOT retirement benefits.
Old age is a reality !
Prepare for that time.
*Be armed !
Learn this big lesson Today !
Thank you…. olu Ademuyiwa
Trust is essential in any business relationship. When trust is absent, it can be difficult to achieve anything of significance. Leaders need to be able to build trust with their teams in order to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable taking risks and sharing new ideas.
We’ve likely all heard the saying that leaders are made, not born. While this may be true for some people, there are many leaders who were born with natural leadership qualities and can still develop these skills over time through hard work and experience. I believe a leader’s ability to build trust between themselves and their employees is one of those important qualities.
THINK ABOUT THE BEST BOSS YOU’VE EVER HAD
What made them great? Chances are, one of the things that made them stand out was their ability to build trust with their employees. Trust is essential in any workplace relationship, and it’s a two-way street. Leaders need to trust their employees to do their jobs, and employees need to trust their leaders to make decisions that are in the best interest of the company. When both sides trust each other, it creates a positive work environment where everyone is able to do their best work.
WHY IS TRUST SO IMPORTANT IN BUSINESS?
There are so many reasons, but I find that one of the most important is that when employees trust their leaders, they tend to feel more comfortable taking risks and sharing new ideas. This can lead to innovation and creativity within the company, which can be essential for growth.
Trust also creates an environment of openness and honesty. When leaders are open and honest with their teams, everyone can be on the same page about what needs to get done, leaving less room for errors or mistakes. Leaders who show that they care about their employees’ well-being by being kind and compassionate can also foster a sense of trust between them and their team members.
WHERE DOES THIS GO WRONG?
I believe it starts with how we talk to each other and to ourselves. Words have the power to make us who we are and can open new opportunities for us, or close doors. Our words are like currency. Like money, words have incredible value and the value increases or decreases based on the exchanges we have with others. As time goes by, the goal should be to increase the value of our words and the impact they have on others. But sometimes, due to our actions, there is less substance behind them.
I believe we are all leaders in life, and it’s essential that our words and actions align. I’ve seen deals lost and relationships ruined over a phrase, word, or tone. To be a truly exceptional leader, it’s imperative that we have integrity when communicating, and that we make our words and how we use them just as important as everything else.
LOSING TRUST IS ONE OF THE QUICKEST WAYS TO KILL A BUSINESS
There are many reasons why trust can be lost, but some of the most common scenarios I’ve seen throughout my career include:
• Failing to keep promises or commitments.
• Breaking confidentiality agreements.
. Failing to deliver on time commitments or deadlines.
• Not listening to a teams’ concerns, feedback, and suggestions for improvements.
• Dismissing the opinions of team members as unimportant or irrelevant.
• Not taking ownership of mistakes and blaming others when things go wrong.
• A lack of transparency around decisions that affect the entire team, such as changes to working hours or benefits packages. I think a lot of these things happen because we want to avoid conflict. No one enjoys conflict, but a leader must face it head-on. You might be reluctant to share bad news, but it’s always better to tell the truth than to be silent. Conflict resolution, when handled properly, can actually enhance your vision and, in doing so, drive employees forward with confidence.
I find that employees appreciate honesty. It builds confidence, and when we are confident, we’re more willing to come up with bold solutions. Include employees in the adventure of being in business and don’t shy away from open and honest conversations.
TRUST IS NOT A GIVEN—IT NEEDS TO BE EARNED AND MAINTAINED
It’s a cliche for a reason, but nothing great was ever easy. You have to explicitly think about trust, work on trust, build trust, and check to be sure that trust is there. And there are just as many, if not more, things that we can do as leaders to build trust.
• Be honest and upfront about everything—good news and bad news alike.
• Keep promises and commitments to ourselves and to others, no matter how small or inconsequential.
• Actively listen and respond to the feedback and suggestions for improvements that you get from others.
• Share confidential information only with individuals who need it.
• Take responsibility for mistakes and encourage others to do so as well. Don’t punish mistakes but use them as learning moments.
• Apologize when you mess up or fail to deliver on commitments.
These things work. We built Two Men and a Truck, starting with just my brother and me, into 350 locations worldwide. Trust is the foundation on which productive, successful relationships are built. When it’s absent, it’s difficult to maintain healthy communication, collaborate effectively, or resolve conflicts.
So how do we build trust in our professional lives? The answer is simple but not always easy: We must be authentic and genuine with others and consistent in our actions.
What will you do today to start building more trust in your life and work?
The more connection you feel between who you are now and who you will be, the greater your later life satisfaction and well-being says Inc.
Imagine yourself 10 or 20 years in the future. Not physically--because 40-year-old me would not have been happy with 60-year-old me--but in terms of who you are inside.
How you answer that question tends to put you in one of two basic camps.
Some people see themselves as basically the same: Where you live might change, your profession might change, your circumstances might change, but deep inside you see yourself as roughly the same. As social psychologists put it, you assume a strong continuity between today you and 20-years-from-now you.
Others see their future selves as very different from who they are today. They see little connection or continuity. They assume--or at least hope--that someday they will become very different.
My guess is you see where this is going: People who think their future self will be very different tend to be less "responsible" in terms of behavior.
Research bears out that assumption. One study shows that people with greater "present-future continuity" tend to exercise more. Another shows that those people tend to be more financially prudent and more likely to save money. Another shows that those people tend to behave more ethically, both personally and professionally.
Another shows that the degree of continuity you feel with your future self can actually predict your overall life satisfaction and well-being 10 years later.
As the researchers write:
When people are better connected to their future selves, they have an enhanced ability to recognize the consequences of their present-day decisions on their future selves.
And that's going to help them put the brakes on these behaviors.
Intuitively that makes sense. When I was young, I thought future me would somehow be different: That he would decide to get fit. Or save for retirement. Or just quit acting like such a doofus.
Who I was then and who I would someday be? Big disconnect.
Slowly, though, I realized that what I did today built the foundation for what I would become. That who I would be in 10 or 20 years would be the accumulation of the actions I would take in the years to come.
That someday being fit, relatively financially secure, or a lot less of a jerk--who I would be would result from the choices I made on a daily basis.
Choices that would either work for or against my hopes for future me.
Because consistency, not intensity, is what produces long-term results.
Want to someday be a successful entrepreneur? You won't get there by assuming that someday you'll magically be different. What you do now--gaining skills, forging connections, analyzing opportunities, etc.--will accumulate over time, and help you get there.
Want to lose weight? The choices you make now--improving your diet, exercising more, etc.--will accumulate over time and help you get there.
If you hope your future self will be smarter, or kinder, or wealthier, or more generous, or more successful--whatever you imagine your future self to be--see that person not as a stranger, but as fundamentally the person you are today.
Except different, due to the choices you make today.
And every day.
The Minister of Justice and Attorney General of the Federation, Abubakar Malami has not so far, spoken or indicated any loud, clear actions or signals that can be conclusively deciphered as an aspiration or scheming to contest the 2023 governorship election in Kebbi state.
Yet, the expectations, craving, fear and apprehension about his candidacy, have been thick in the air and all over the place in Kebbi state. It is prevalent and pervading in the rumor mills, open and hushed discussions on the streets in Birnin Kebbi and other urban centres in the state. The topic is also dominant among the low and high political circles. Naturally, there are among these groups, those who are happy and excited as well as, those who are gripped with fear, discomfort and hate in their hearts.
“If dreams were horses”, the old adage goes, “beggars will ride.” Among those who have jitters and sleepless nights over the prospects of Abubakar Malami throwing his hat into the ring in the contest for the most coveted office in Kebbi state in 2023, are the political upstarts and dreamers who are hoping that, by chance or fortunes, the pendulum might swing their way.
Such apparent wishful thinking should not however, be dismissed as baseless. This is because so far, all those currently aspiring to take over from governor Abubakar Atiku Bagudu are considered by pundits as no more than mere political neophytes and jesters and therefore, it can be anybody’s game. With a big masquerade like Abubakar Malami to contend with, the dreamers will know better than to continue in self delusion.
There are other groups to who the Minister of Justice is a nightmare. They consist of the men with the long knives, members of the clan of the cabals, the jaded, spent war horses and political carpetbaggers who are refusing to accept that their time is long over. Among these set of political gladiators, plans are variously being hatched night and day, to checkmate Malami, by hook or crook, should he dare to take up the gauntlet for the contest.
To the self-styled political establishment, the godfathers and imperial lords of the manor, Malami is a spoiler out to disrupt the well accustomed old game of their exclusive charge of the political barometer of the state, and the sharing and cornering amongst them, the political spoils in the manner of victorious warriors sharing the spoils of war.
Regarding the 2023 elections for example, they have already shared out to their members, those of them that will become the governor and deputy, those that will be going to the Federal and State Houses of Assembly and those to be given sundry “lucrative” key appointments. Under the arrangement, members of the enclave are angling for the victory of a particular presidential aspirant from the Southwest to pave way for the emergence of one of them as Senate President.
In spite of their present state of vegetation, the self acclaimed “shakers and movers of Kebbi politics”, are still possessed of an amazing tenacity, and portent political scheming. Though now feeble and denuded of their yesteryear political muscles, they still wallow in the false garbs of the invincible. Under this delusion, they have been long in their devices and machinations to bring down the soaring political kite of the Minister.
The throwing of darts of venom began when they were running helter skelter in desperate efforts to scuttle his going onboard the cabinet of President Muhammadu Buhari way back in 2015. They woefully failed in that project, as Malami went on to be given the covetous portfolio of Attorney General, Minister of Justice.
Not a people to easily give up, they thereafter, went into league with persons of similar interests in other parts of the country to engage in strident media campaign of calumny and vendetta with all sorts of odious and spurious allegations aimed at rubbishing his integrity or, sow the seeds of discord and distrust between him and his principal, the President.
The latest In the traducers’ arsenal in the vain scheming to block his path of progress particularly to the Kebbi Government House was the use of their presence and influence in the National Assembly to insert the patently unconstitutional Clause 84(12) in the new Electoral Act. Talk of the child of destiny or, a classical case of the proverbial “cat with nine lives”, a competent court of law has dismissed the clause as ultra vires, null and void.
With that verdict, not a few people in the state have heaved a sigh of relief and jubilating that, the coast is now cleared of any visible impediments if, indeed, Abubakar Malami SAN, Minister of Justice, Attorney General of the Federation is decided on taking a shot at yet another plumb job of governor of Kebbi state.
Considered in all facets of deponent, the situation of Kebbi state is a sad commentary. With its endowments of abundant human and agricultural resources, vast and assorted but largely untapped mineral deposits the state which should ideally be one of the most economically and socially vibrant states in the federation is being rated on the index of development by the United Nations and national statistics as among the most backward in the country.
The simple, rational and empirical explanation for the unflattering and pathetic scenario of Kebbi is simply that, the land and the people have been held down and tied to the strangulating stakes of poverty, illiteracy and insecurity by the calamity of the chain of cruel, garrulous, insensitive and retrogressive, self-seeking political elite that have been exchanging the baton of leadership between them, in the last twenty three years of democratic rule in the country.
Kebbi state is in dire and critical need for a paradigm shift. There are pressing and urgent requirements for rejuvenation and refocusing to usher in much needed social and economic progress and development.
The long suffering masses of Kabawa are yearning and poised to seize the next opportunity to elect their leaders to go for those that have demonstrated empathy and understanding of their aspirations and those with the track records of integrity, altruism, capacity and honest commitment in service.
Consisting in the main, of the beleaguered downtrodden masses and a number of the progressive segments, there is currently, a groundswell of goodwill for Abubakar Malami in all parts of the state because many perceive him as one of the potential game changers in the political leadership.
The huge confidence in Malami’s capabilities derive from the assessment of his superlative performance as a Minister in the Buhari Cabinet, the unprecedented number of Kebbi indigenes he assisted in securing federal appointments in the past seven years and, the spectacular records of his NGO, Khadimiyya in uplifting the condition of women, youth and the poor in general at the grassroots.
The detractors of Malami are very much aware of the immensity of his political assets and thus the reason why they are scared stiff of his challenge in the political turf. But, precisely, that appears inevitable in the countdown to 2023.
The Question now for the Minister’s camp to answer: Will Malami Run?
*Maishanu, a former Commissioner for Information, Commissioner for Solid Minerals and Natural Resources in Sokoto State, writes from Abuja.
In the midst of our current misery, Ondo State Governor Rotimi Akeredolu thought we needed something to cheer last week, so he offered a joke, which was telling and disturbing.
In the row between the Governor of Yobe and interim chairman of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Mai Mala Buni, and governors who wanted to overthrow him, Akeredolu, who was on the side of the protagonists, reached into the gutter for words to describe his enemies.
He plumbed the depths, far below the sepsis reached by the sarcasm of Salihu Lukman, the former director general of the Progressives Governors Forum, and gave gutter language a new lease of life. Akeredolu called governors of his own party, yahoo-yahoo governors.
Let me be clear. I have absolutely no interest in APC’s house of commotion. And if it is true, as is being alleged, that Buni procured court judgements to stall the party’s national convention for the third time since his inexplicably extended tenure, if it is true, as is being alleged, that Buni the referee plans to join the race, if it is true, as has been alleged, that Buni is offering the party’s primaries ticket for sale; in short, if it is true, as is being alleged, that Buni is the party’s problem, then perhaps Akeredolu’s description would be a fitting epitaph.
But Akeredolu being not just a lawyer but a senior advocate and former president of the Bar, knows there is a difference between an allegation and a fact. It’s possible that he was overcome by the poor habit of politicians who hardly talk to make sense. To call governors of his own party yahoo-yahoo, deserves not only the attention of the party but also that of bystanders who should take more than a passing interest in this linguistic slur.
After Governor Nasir El-Rufai of Kaduna State made an unusual appearance on Channels TV and vowed that Buni may return as Alhaji Buni but certainly not as chairman of the APC, it is possible that Akeredolu may have seized on that premature funeral to make his own obsequies. But in doing so, he described governors of his own party in a language which even the opposition may have been reluctant to deploy.
Are we really hostage to yahoo-yahoo governors?
Yahoo-yahoo, a cruel twisting of the search engine, is Nigerian speak for con-artistry; a confidence trickster who earns a living – often outrageously flamboyant living – from transactions guaranteed to leave the other party with the short end of the stick, if not in premium tears.
The ruling APC has 22 governors across Nigeria, but Akeredolu did not name names. He did not say which of them is yahoo-yahoo, but mocking fingers are pointing in the direction of three governors – one in the Southeast, one in the Northcentral, and the other one in the Southwest, reflecting a federal character of sorts.
As of the time of writing, Buni, the man who El-Rufai vowed publicly will not return as chairman for causing the inexplicable disappearance of APC’s manhood among other embarrassing misdemeanours is back in the saddle, riding the party’s horse with his team including John Akpanudoedehe the secretary who has resigned and has been reinstated more times than it takes to say yahoo-yahoo.
From a bystander’s point of view, it is not only Buni’s dramatic comeback and the potential resurgence of the so-called yahoo-yahoo governors that are concerning. Akeredolu’s mudslinging also says something about the ruling party and the political elite as a whole that is tragically true.
And it is true for a good number of the progressive governors today as it for governors and politicians in the opposition. How, for example, do you describe a governor who upon falling out with his godfather on the eve of an election, goes on his knees just to trade his party’s broom symbol for another party’s umbrella and then after securing reelection, drags and beats his benefactors with the umbrella?
Or a governor who after being elected on the platform of a party, decides in the twilight of his second term, that he must decamp to the ruling party to serve not those who elected and re-elected him in his state, but to ensure the success of his new paymasters in Abuja against whom he had been in opposition for nearly seven years? If that is not yahoo-yahoo, then what is it?
How do you explain the ascension to power of a governor who was not first or second but third by 176,919 votes, but who in spite of that ascended to power through a rare process of judicial iberiberism (apologies to Rochas Okorocha, wannabe pilot and presidential aspirant), and is currently being paraded as the icon of the new politics in the Southeast?
If it is not yahoo-yahoo, then how come a politician who once said a government that cannot fix power in six months is unfit for office now serves in a government that has been unable to fix power for seven years? And this same government is struggling to guarantee supply of petrol after the country spent $5.8 billion to repair refineries between 2015 and 2020?
It seems that after the temporary relief from drug barons and their yahoo-yahoo cousins who took politics hostage in the 2000s, we’re once again returning to the era when con-artists ruled the roost. And what is more, between the accusers and the accused, it’s increasingly difficult to know who is yahoo-yahoo by politics or yahoo-yahoo by nature.
There are many reasons this resurgence which Akeredolu said has taken hold of the ruling party, is worse than the current low-grade version popular among desperate, young people holed up in many hotels across the country today.
While the police and other crime-fighting agencies can still hope to pursue and rout perpetrators of the low-grade version, what Akeredolu has described is a more dangerous variety.
The perpetrators of yahoo-yahoo in Akeredolu’s class and party, not only enjoy immunity from prosecution while they are in office, they also have the security agencies at their beck and call. In other words, yahoo-yahoo politicians swindle you and yet reserve the power and resources to protect themselves from being held to account.
If the governor insists that he used the phrase in a more general sense, perhaps as a rallying cry to save his party from falling apart, it would then be fair to insist that indeed not only those accused of backing Buni but perhaps a significant number in the current class of governors fall under this yahoo-yahoo group.
We don’t have to go far for examples. After a week during which power supply has been at a catastrophic low, with many urban households going for days without electricity, not to mention the long petrol queues and run-away inflation, the memes of politicians who swindled voters by making empty promises have flooded the internet.
It would be unfair to write politicians off, especially those in the ruling party, as all scam and no work. Some serious work has been done to rebuild infrastructure, which may take some time to show. But if, for a moment, we set aside Akeredolu’s passion for the regional security network, Amotekun, and for legalising the sale of Indian hemp it would be interesting to see what his five-year ledger in Ondo looks like.
Even though the governor would like us to believe that con-artistry in his party is limited to Buni’s circle of supporters, the evidence is that it is far more widespread. If it is not political con-artistry, how can a ruling party which promised so much seven years ago leave the country struggling to secure itself, and its citizens bereft, poorer and more divided than they were when the government came to power?
And see how even the management of the party’s convention has shown that yahoo-yahoo is not just an accident but a lifestyle for the party: in less than one week, the same man who was vilified as a political fraud unworthy of the progressive banner is back in charge, and his enemies, including Akeredolu, must now bow at his feet under strict presidential orders.
It’s a Nollywood script written in a London hospital beyond anything that Akeredolu’s genius or sense of humour could have imagined. Yet to think that Buhari who hardly says a word has written two epistles in one week to save his party is proof that even the directors of this script are sometimes victims of their own con-artistry.
A most humbling experience indeed. Or does Akeredolu still think it’s a laughing matter?
Azu Ishiekwene is Editor-in-Chief of LEADERSHIP
When Oladipo Faramade, a graduate of Urban and Regional Planning from Ladoke Akintola University of Technology, LAUTECH, Ogbomoso graduated in 2007 with high hopes, she never thought that her aspirations and dreams could be cut short, even as she could not secure a befitting job.
After her service year at the Town planning section of the Ogun State Housing Corporation, with her determination to succeed and make ends meet, she quickly opted to train in tailoring and started teaching in a private secondary school, when no job was forthcoming from her course of training.
Today, in her forties and without a partner, her dreams of becoming a real estate developer, wife and mother could be cut short, if she is unable to secure the sum of N18m needed for a kidney transplant to save her life.
Faramade who at present is in a critical condition has emancipated and she is asking well spirited people to assist her by donating to foot her bill as she has no one to turn to.
In her state of health, Faramade, a native of Ogbomoso could not hide her cries as she is trying to be strong, she said, "life has not been same for her since she was diagnosed of renal (kidney) related disease with series of dialysis every week.
This takes her from Ogbomoso to Afe Babalola University Teaching Hospital in Ado-Ekiti for treatment on Tuesdays and Fridays of every week, as her boss had made provision for a vehicle and driver to be taking her ".
According to Faramade, "the dialysis have taken so much money from me that I have expended all I laboured for and sold virtually all my belongings. There is nothing my aged parents can do as I have turned into a burden , instead of helping them now at old age."
"I can only plead to God spirited people to give me another chance to live, now that the doctors say I have to do a kidney transplant since my conditions are deteriorating. Please, don't let me die, I have high hopes to live", Faramade said.
Though, she has seen a donor of organ but since she has no money to pay for both the organ and transplant, she is finding it hard to carry on with the process.
A friend of Faramade, Susan Awosoga who brought her case to Nigerian Newstrack, said "Faramade is a good friend and a wonderful woman with good heart.
She blamed, the Nigerian health system where life is not protected and valued above every other thing, saying "her friend is a victim of a country with no health insurance to save her first and worry about money later".
Awosoga said, "these are some of the expenses a government should take care to give citizens a sense of belonging and also save them from dying as it could be just anyone".
She also appealed to Nigerians to help save her friend by donating to her account with this details below: .
Account Name :Oladipo Faramade Yemisi
Account number: 0141324268
Bank: GTB
Further enquiries: +234 803 541 6016
+234 915 186 9448
Just one pint of beer or average glass of wine a day may begin to shrink the overall volume of the brain, a new study has found, and the damage worsens as the number of daily drinks rises.
On average, people at age 50 who drank a pint of beer or 6-ounce glass of wine (two alcohol units) a day in the last month had brains that appeared two years older than those who only drank a half of a beer (one unit), according to the study, which published Friday in the journal Nature.
The brains of people that age who said they drank three alcohol units a day had reductions in both white and gray matter that looked as if they had added 3.5 years to the ages of their brains.
One alcohol unit is 10 milligrams or 8 grams of pure alcohol. That means 25 milligrams or a single shot of liquor is one unit; a 16-ounce can of beer or cider is two units; and a standard 6-ounce glass of wine (175 milligrams) is two units.
The brains of nondrinkers who began consuming an average of one alcohol unit a day showed the equivalent of a half a year of aging, according to the study.
In comparison, drinking four alcohol units a day aged a person's brain by more than 10 years.
"It's not linear. It gets worse the more you drink," first author Remi Daviet, an assistant professor of marketing in the Wisconsin School of Business at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, said in a statement.
"A problem in this study is that they only have information on people's drinking habits for the one year prior to the (brain) imaging," said alcohol researcher Emmanuela Gakidou, a professor of health metrics sciences at the University of Washington.
"I think this is a major limitation of the study as it's likely that the cumulative consumption of alcohol throughout one's lifetime is associated with the brain, not just the level of consumption right before the images were taken," she added.
"The relationship between alcohol and health is complex, and our understanding of that relationship is evolving over time. Based on this study, I would not really draw any definitive conclusions, but I would say that the authors have identified areas for further research."
Benefits of alcohol?
Doctors used to believe that moderate amounts of alcohol could provide a health benefit, especially to the heart and the brain, but recent research has called that assumption into question. A number of studies have found no amount of drinking to be healthy, and the World Heart Federation recently published a policy brief saying there is "no level of alcohol consumption that is safe for health."
"Small amounts of alcohol are associated with health benefits for some conditions, such as ischemic heart disease and diabetes, but harmful for others, such as road traffic accidents and breast cancer," Gakidou said, adding there are others, such as a stroke, where the outcome isn't clear.
"There isn't really a simple answer for a given individual," she said. "Based on what we do know at this time, whether small amounts of alcohol are beneficial or harmful for an individual depends on that person's health status and their risk profile. ... Are they more prone to heart disease or cancer?"
Brain scans and large study size
The report analyzed data from more than 36,000 people who took part in the UK Biobank study, which houses in-depth genetic and health information on more than 500,000 middle-aged adults living in the United Kingdom.
People in the study had provided information on the number of drinks they had each week in the previous year and had undergone an MRI brain scan. Researchers compared their scans with images of typical aging brains and then controlled for such variables as age, sex, smoking status, socioeconomic status, genetic ancestry and overall head size.
"The fact that we have such a large sample size allows us to find subtle patterns, even between drinking the equivalent of half a beer and one beer a day," coauthor Gideon Nave, an assistant professor of marketing at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, said in a statement.
"Having this dataset is like having a microscope or a telescope with a more powerful lens," Nave said. "You get a better resolution and start seeing patterns and associations you couldn't before."
He told CNN that is why this study was able to find a more distinct pattern of association between drinking and brain volume than past studies. However, he added, the results are just that -- an association -- as the study could not prove cause and effect.
"Our study is by far the largest investigation of the topic," Nave said. "It uses a general population sample, and it controls for more confounds than before. As such, it provides overwhelmingly more evidence than any previous investigations and gets us closer to settling the debate."
However, the study left a number of questions unanswered, such as a person's cognitive engagement, Gakidou said.
"I believe that there is sufficient evidence that suggests that brain function decays faster among those that are not engaged in intellectually stimulating activities, either through work or hobbies," she said.
"My main criticism is that the authors are overinterpreting the findings of their study and drawing conclusions that are not necessarily supported by what is presented in the paper. I do not see a significant trend in their graphs, and so I'm not convinced by the conclusions."
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The closer you get to someone—romantically or platonically—the bigger the role trust tends to play in your relationship: As you naturally divulge more of yourself to the other person, you increasingly trust them to handle your vulnerability with care. But it’s also in these closest of partnerships that our vision can get clouded by any number of emotions, like lust or love, or even a mental image of how we expect a friendship or relationship to look. As a result, it’s helpful to really internalize the key signs of an untrustworthy person, so you can identify one in your midst, no matter how close the two of you have become.
While certain signs of an untrustworthy person are more likely to pop up in the beginning of a partnership—say, someone who can’t stick to their word—and others tend to unfold over time, it’s worth keeping an eye out for these red flags at any stage because of how essential trust really is within a partnership. “Having trust in a partner allows you to feel safe, accepted, and validated, which fosters the opportunity for you to show up as the most authentic version of yourself,” says therapist Eliza Davis, LMSW.
To understand how, try picturing your relationship with a friend or partner as a home; in this metaphor, trust is what forms the foundation. When things get a little shaky at one point or another, or a partner lets you down (as they’re bound to occasionally do), the relationship is only able to withstand and overcome the blow if the foundational trust is solid, says Davis. If the trust is broken, just as with the foundation of a house, it often requires a lengthy process to rebuild—and surface-level fixes typically won't do the job.
That’s all to say, being aware of signs of an untrustworthy person can spare you from the trouble of building (or continuing to build) a partnership “house” on unsteady ground. Below, experts call out the red flags that should give you pause about a person’s trustworthiness, whether they’re a friend or a romantic partner.
The 5 clearest signs of an untrustworthy person, according to psychotherapists
1. They tend to change the details of a single story, depending on the circumstances
A changing description of a single situation smells of dishonesty—and honesty is one of the key components of trust. “If you notice that someone is offering you conflicting information or seemingly bending the truth of a story, those are signals that point to untrustworthiness,” says therapist Rachel Holzberg, LMSW.
But because these behaviors could hint at an isolated fib (or even a white lie that’s supported by a valid reason), it’s always worth addressing any honesty concerns before jumping to conclusions. “Having a conversation creates a space of awareness and allows an opportunity for the person to clarify anything that may be unsettling,” says Holzberg.
2. They don’t acknowledge their missteps or wrongdoings
If a person doesn't show remorse or take responsibility for having done something wrong, it’ll be hard to trust them to do what’s right in the future. Generally, this might look like the person always needing to be right or always acting as the victim. “Even if they’ve hurt you, they might be creating their own narrative and not listening to you or disregarding what you’re saying,” says psychotherapist and certified trauma specialist Susan Zinn, LPCC, LMHC, NCC, founder of Westside Counseling Center.
At the extreme, that kind of behavior could lead to you questioning yourself or your worth, says therapist Elizabeth Marks, LMSW. (And if that becomes a recurrent situation, it’s a slippery slope to gaslighting.) “In any case, a person telling you how to think, feel, or act based on how it best serves their needs is a strong red flag of untrustworthiness,” says Zinn.
3. They seem to be hiding a lot of ‘big’ things
While personal boundaries can certainly be positive, if a friend or partner seems to be shielding so much of their life that it fosters room for reasonable doubt about their character or motives, there’s a chance they’re concealing a secret (and not just upholding a sense of privacy). Because transparency is another cornerstone of trust, when someone categorically hides their space, their phone, or the important people in their life, it can be a sign that they’re not trustworthy, says Marks: “It just begs the question of what really is being hidden.”
The same goes for hiding explanations or plans behind a “why are you asking?” shield. For example, if you ask a partner what they’re doing later, and the answer is, “Why do you want to know?” you might question their desire to withhold information and to put a roadblock in an otherwise open dialogue, says Marks.
4. You can’t count on them to do what they said they would
You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who has stuck to every agreement or promise they’ve made. We’re all humans, and sometimes life happens, and you have to cancel on an important plan, even last-minute. But if a friend or partner is repeatedly flaky, you have to ask, Can lightning really strike twice…or three or four times? Inconsistent behaviors and a lack of accountability create an unnecessary state of confusion, which may signal that a person’s intentions are questionable, says Holzberg.
5. They give you a strange sense of anxiousness or unease
Often, one of the surest signs of an untrustworthy person is a gut feeling—sometimes, literally. “For instance, that feeling of having butterflies in your stomach when you’re around someone may actually be your body cueing you into something that feels unsafe or off,” says Zinn.
If a person’s presence seems to make you uncomfortable or uneasy, even if you can’t quite explain why, it’s worth tuning into that feeling. “We have to spend more time concentrating on how we really want to feel, and asking ourselves, Does this person feel emotionally safe? Do they make me feel good? Do they renew me?” Zinn says. And if you’re spending time trying to assess why things feel off when you’re around them or whether they might be untrustworthy, the answer to the above introspective questions is very likely, ‘no.’ “We only have so much energy every day,” Zinn says, “and when people or our emotions about them are depleting us rather than renewing us, it doesn’t allow for balance in our lives or a healthy relationship.”
Well + Good
"Sir, I want to walk away from my marriage now before something tragic happens. I had wanted to quit February 2021 but people mounted pressure on me to stay back. They said I should try and pray more saying the situation was not beyond remedy. I agreed not because I hope that anything positive would ensue but just to satisfy those who intervened. More so I didn’t want to portray myself as being rigid or as having a hidden plan for my action. Now it is one year after but the situation has rather gone from bad to worse. Because of that, I stopped having sexual intimacy with him for months till date. It's getting to a dangerous level that hearing his voice usually stoke hatred and bitterness in me. He, too, told me last week that he's feeling like harming me. My life is no longer safe with him in the house. I'm emotionally disconnected from him. Touching me is so hurting and irritating that it wells up anger within me. I think it is better we go our separate ways before the unthinkable happens!"
That was a caller's complaint to me last weekend. Since the beginning of this year, I have weighed in on a number of emotionally disconnected cases. Before a marital conflict could degenerate to physical separation, emotional divorce must have taken place. To stay together in a relationship, people must get emotionally connected. Some people call it "body chemistry." Nobody can live or share stuff with someone they feel repulsive about their presence. It takes emotional stimulation and psychological appeal to feel attracted and attached to a partner. These are parts of natural indicators of compatibility. Emotional and communication walls are the first to break down in a relationship before a separation or divorce can take place. These are the pivots on which every purposeful and sustainable relationship revolves.
Higher percentage of troubled marriages are already in emotional divorce. Several of them are struggling with fitful communication issues. Reasons for these are as many as one can deduce based on experiences and the reality of situations. Disputing couples can share the same bed for months and years without body contact or sexual intimacy. That's the zenith of emotional disconnect. If the situation is not addressed in good time, malice, rejection and deep-seated animosity would ensue.
Emotional divorce often precedes a legal divorce. It is a psychological mechanism some spouses use to separate their emotions from the marriage when they feel the relationship has become a threat to their well-being. It is a marital relationship in which the partners live separate lives, with an absence of normal interaction between them. If a partner has decided to go for divorce, they will first attain emotional distancing; as convenient this may seem, it is usually a traumatic experience. Going through an emotional divorce means you're distancing yourself emotionally from your partner. For some spouses, this happens before the divorce. For others, it doesn’t happen until after the divorce process.
According to Virginia Williamson, an American licensed marriage and family therapist, "An emotional divorce is just as it sounds," essentially emotionally exiting the marriage. During an emotional divorce, a spouse divests from trying to work on or repair the marriage and typically moves through the stages of grief in an effort to let the marriage and their partner go."
In practical terms, most divorce cases are one-sided. It is in rare cases will a couple mutually arrive at a decision to divorce. Usually, it is the spouse who has already separated themselves emotionally from the marriage that requests for a divorce. Already, the spouse that has gone through an "emotional divorce" now plans to be legally divorced from their spouse. And while divorce is certainly difficult on both sides, the partner who has gone through emotional divorce before taking seeking a legal divorce may find the process easier than the partner who is feeling rejected and shocked by the development.
Some spouses struggle for years with feelings of emotional distance before they realize that divorce is the solution. These spouses are commonly referred to as a “walk-away spouse.” A walk-away spouse may become emotionally detached for a variety of reasons. Emotionally divorcing a spouse helps the person maintain a sense of psychological integrity if faced with what they feel is an emotionally demanding situation. The spouse who is left to deal with their emotions after the legal divorce is commonly referred to as the “left-behind spouse.”
In a post on ‘emotional divorce' during the week, a United States based counsellor, singer and gospel minister, Olubukola Adediran aka Sister Bukky, stated that "A lot of couples are emotionally divorced. This is a dangerous situation. One spouse has emotionally moved on while the other is suffering or still thinking, hoping and praying that things will change for the better. Husband and wife have moved on; they are both emotionally detached and disconnected from each other in the marriage. In fact, they live like flat mates. They engage each other only when things they own in common need attention or they have decisions to make regarding shared bills or facilities.
"God created the beautiful institution of marriage but from the inception, it is a known fact that it is not devoid of problems. The very first union that produced you and I had problems. People often concern themselves with physical separation via formal divorce processes, but many more people are emotionally divorced, psychologically detached and mentally disconnected from one another. No feelings, no affection, no urges for sexual intimacy, no unity of purpose, no mutual understanding or agreements, and nothing in their union that typifies oneness in marriage. It is strictly business because there are financial obligations involved in running the home as well as care for the children.
"Who are we deceiving? Couples like these are merely pretending as they consciously race on the slippery ground until the inevitable happens. Are relationships like this redeemable? YES, to some and NO, to some. It all depends on individual situation. The only people who determine redeemability are those involved, and most importantly - what God is saying or what He has said concerning the situation.
"Society is often a very big problem. Religion without commonsense and knowledge, spirituality without insight or direction are serious problems. External interests, not considering the interests of the people involved in distressed marriages, are also part of the problems we have - 'what will people say!' This post does not oppose divorce and neither does it promote divorce. It strongly suggests that knowing what the problem is, you should deal with it appropriately. We should note that a good marriage is not one without problems! Marriage takes a lot of work. Forgiveness plays a great role. So, a right marriage may still have issues. Yes, serious issues at that. In turbulent marriages, some of God’s children have gone home untimely, families have lost sons and daughters unduly and prematurely, too. Individuals have lost direction and are struggling to get a life in life and find a path to rediscover and understand themselves.
"Don’t overhype your problem, it may be dangerous. Calm down! Your situation may still be redeemable. Don’t underhype your problem either. See it as it is. Face it or face out! Get help! Seek the face of God. Be real! Know what you want and do what’s best in your situation. Be bold! Be strong! You deserve to live and be who you were destined to be. You are important! Yes! You're!"
Quote:
“Emotional and communication walls are the first to break down in a relationship before a separation or divorce can take place. These are the pivots on which every purposeful and sustainable relationship revolves.”
• West wrote via
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08035304268
08059964446
Interior Minister and former Osun State Governor, Rauf Aregbesola, was in Osun State on Monday to meet his supporters in respect of the governorship election.
Below is the excerpt of his speech:
“I’m happy that we sent for you all and you honoured our invitation. Those we specifically asked to be invited here are party leaders from the ward level to the state. They are the critical stakeholders and I’m certain they are the ones here.
“Although some, who are not with us would be here also – the informants to the other camps. But we’re no longer afraid of no one at this stage except God. You’re at liberty to listen to whatever we say here and go to share with them over there. And I’m happy you’re here.
“However, if we have to throw the cards open and start all over again, this party is ours. Let me repeat myself for clarity: this is the core Afenifere – a progressive group, that genuinely loves the people, the society and also loves itself. I’m not talking about cosmestised good. This is Awolowo’s group; it is Bola Ige’s group. It is also Baba Akande’s group, before he partly left us.
“We joined you in this same group in 2004; the group we laboured in pain and anguish to put together from 2004 to 2010, November 26, before court gave us victory. This is the same group. Therefore, stop calling yourselves a faction; you are the main APC. Let me put it more succinctly, if our great leaders, who had passed on, had the opportunity of returning to this life, it is this same party they would join. They would not join a party that is not theirs.
“It would be almost impossible for Bola Ige to return to this same life and refuse to be part of this party. It would be very difficult. It would be impossible for Papa Awolowo too to come back to life and elect to join another party in Osun other than ours. It would be difficult. And those of us who are still living are also here in this same party.
“There’s no latter-day member here. Everyone here started with us from day one. Even if some had left at some point, we knew why they left. There’s no one here, who did not suffer with us. That’s the summary of my submission; that they have returned to where they’ve always belonged, and to also return the party to where it should be, because we had hitherto followed the instructions of our leader, whom we thought was true to type.
“We followed and served this leader with all our might. In fact, our loyalty to him had caused some people to start wondering if we were no longer Muslims. But we were with him and served him according to the admonition of our forefathers, who said when serving anyone, we should do so with sincerity and loyalty; that if you regard anyone as your principal, you must serve him wholeheartedly.
“Sadly, we didn’t know that while we wished him well, he didn’t think good of us. However, because we placed him higher than where he ordinarily should be, he started to think he is our god. Unfortunately, for him, we had sworn to God that whoever compares himself to Him, we’d beg Him to bring down such a fellow.
“God says he does not have a rival, and if you heard what I said in Arabic, God said, ‘He is God and he didn’t have to start procreating before He’ll assume His place as God; that only humans procreate. You are the ones, who attach importance to procreation.
“As God, He doesn’t need a child to dwell in his glory. He does not need any family member or younger siblings to regale in His majesty. That He does not even need a group to be who He is. That He is God and that’s who He is. So, whoever puts himself in place of God, well, let him be his own god.
“With suffering, pains and perseverance, we nurtured this party to the stage it is – with sweat, tears, blood and even lost lives. It is by God’s grace that someone like me didn’t pay the supreme price too. May those who lost their lives to the struggle find peace with the Lord. (He mentioned names of some of those who died). As tough as it was, we did not seek revenge.
“We took over government on November 27, 2010 and by 28th, we announced that whoever sought revenge would be struck down by God. We only handed over to God, those who made us suffer. After we served for eight years, it wasn’t only party members that benefitted from our administration, the entire state did. I went everywhere in Osun with projects.
“However, by the time my successor was handed over to me around July or May 2018, I was told, ‘Rauf, this is the ideal successor that would stand by you. He would further showcase your efforts. He would not betray you; he would not dim the light of your glory’. That was what the person, who handed him over to me said. If the person is listening to me, it would resonate with him, if he said so or not.
“But, did he do as he was vouched for? And when he reneged on these promises, did the person, who handed him over to me draw his attention to these failings? Anyway, isn’t the person the one we now see today?
“Meanwhile, we are here at this station on three grounds and if we go about it honestly, we’d never regret this. First is, God detests hypocrisy. That He is above all things, but hypocrisy, he’d never go close to. However, our prophet, Mohammed (SWA), said: ‘Assist the hypocrite and the victim of hypocrisy.
“But when asked to clarify the logic behind such a statement, he answered and said, ‘Listen, it is possible for a hypocrite not to know he is one. However, those of you around should endeavour to join forces with the victim of hypocrisy to prevail over the hypocrite and that way, you would have assisted the hypocrite to change his ways. That’s the first reason we are here and once we can do that, we’d be good to go and they would be the loser. It’s God’s commandment.
“Second, we are the ones looking after the people in every way possible. However, those we put into position of authority to drive the project of caring for the people, have since abdicated this responsibility and we would never share space with such fellows. God says whoever is against the needy is His enemy. To that extent, we have to move away from these people, because we can’t because of our association with them offend God. If we stick to this, we’d prevail.
“The third reason is, the things we did that the people wanted, which unfortunately, this man has turned away from and which formed the pride of our government, and which has been the thrust of our party since the days of Awolowo, we would not sit by and watch a fellow, who had no clue about this task, to destroy our efforts.
“We will never assist such a fellow. In a worst case scenario, we’d move away from them. Interestingly, in every group, everyone has a right to their choices. But in making those choices, you must be sure a majority of the members align with you.
“It is possible some share your ideals and it’s also possible some do not. This happened in Lagos recently. There was a governor, who wanted to seek re-election and the party declined and showed him the way out with their votes. So, the same way it was in Lagos then, is exactly the way it is in Osun today. What is good for the goose, is also good for the gander. It cannot be the turn of your younger brother now and you change the rules.”
The price of a 50kg bag of locally produced rice rose by about 92 per cent between January 2016 and December 2021 despite the various measures taken by the Federal Government to drive down the cost of the staple, findings have shown.
A survey of markets across Abuja and Lagos states reveals that the current average cost of a 50kg bag of rice is N25,000, against N13,000, the price in 2016.
This means that within a six-year period, the price of rice rose by about N12,000 or 92.3 per cent.
This increase came amid interventions of the government through the apex monetary authority, Central Bank of Nigeria, to crash the price of rice in the country.
The most recent intervention of CBN was the unveiling of 13 mega rice pyramids in Abuja, purportedly containing over one million bags of rice paddy bags.
While unveiling the pyramids, President Muhammadu Buhari disclosed that the bags of paddy, when processed and supplied to markets, would drive down the price of the rice.
“I am aware that the bags of paddy will be moving straight from here to rice milling plants across Nigeria, which leads to the release of processed rice to the markets by the rice millers. The measure will aid our efforts at reducing the price of rice in Nigeria,” Buhari had said.
The pyramids assembled in Abuja are a part of the CBN’s rice revolution scheme ushered in by its Anchor Borrower’s Programme.
ABP is an elaborate low-interest loan scheme launched in November 2015 by the President through the CBN.
Under the programme, concessionary loans with a five per cent interest rate are disbursed through Deposit Money Banks, development finance institutions, and microfinance banks to farmers.
CBN Governor, Godwin Emefiele, had last week announced that the interest rate on the loans which were expected to revert to nine per cent by March this year, would remain at five per cent for another year, ending March 1, 2023.
According to CBN, the broad objective of the programme is to create economic linkage between smallholders and reputable large-scale processors with a view to increasing agricultural output and significantly improving capacity utilisation of agricultural firms.
Categories of farmers captured under this programme include those cultivating cereals such as rice, wheat and maize, cotton, roots and tubers, sugarcane, tree crops, legumes, tomato and livestock.
As of February 2022, the apex bank had disbursed a total of N984bn to over 4,400 smallholder farmers across the country, the CBN’s chief revealed last week.
Since its introduction, CBN has released and modified guidelines to the ABP to ensure its effective implementation.
Additionally, in 2015, CBN stopped the importers of rice and other 41 items from accessing foreign exchange in the official window, in order to encourage local production.
It also banned rice imports across land borders and kept 70 per cent tariffs on imports coming through ports.
While these interventions may have increased local production, the price of rice appears to be unaffected.
Emefiele said during the launch of the rice pyramids that rice production rose to nine million metric tons as of the end of 2021 from about 5.4m MT recorded in 2015.
A feat, he attributed to the implementation of the ABP by the government.
Reacting to the development, stakeholders in the agriculture sector linked the surge in the price of rice during the review period to shortage of supply to markets.
President, All Farmers Association of Nigeria, Kabir Kebram, attributed the low supply to insecurity in food-producing states, dwindling value of the naira, as well as the poor implementation of the ABP.
Kebram argued that the approach chosen by the CBN to disburse loans under the programme might be counterproductive as it greatly increased the chances of mismanagement and abuse of funds.
He said, “Well, there are many reasons for this, the principal reason being that there is inadequacy of supply. Also, the purchasing power of the naira has dwindled and this has affected the cost of almost all the products and produce we buy today.
“There is general food inflation as well as other inflation, even the World Bank has said that Nigeria has to do a lot to curb the inflation, because it is destabilising the economy.
“And the low supply is also dependent on many things such as insecurity which is preventing our farmers from going to their farms. We also have the Anchor’s Borrowers Programme of the CBN.
“If you are putting in a lot of money in the hands of people to produce items and you are doing it using due diligence, you are likely to cause some imbalance in the market and the psyche of the people. The reality is when there is so much money in circulation, abuse is possible or mismanagement.”
To drive down the cost of the staple, the AFARN president advised CBN to swiftly release the paddy bags assembled as pyramids in Abuja to millers for immediate processing, stating that this would increase supply.
Punch