They sat in tensed silence – Lai, Shehu, Femi and Lauretta. The air-conditioner was functional but the heat generated by the tension was very evident. There were beads of sweat on their foreheads and Lauretta, most perturbed by sweat, had to seek the assistance of a hand fan. It may be because of her heavy makeup or as the only member of the weaker sex in the room, she was bound to be affected by tension more than the others. There were drinks on the table but no one seemed interested in them.

“Uncle Lai,” Lauretta called in a voice that successfully combined anxiety with disappointment. “You are not saying anything. You are the boss, the most experienced person in this kind of thing. You need to say something.”

“Femi was displeased with my initial statement on this issue,” Lai responded. “Let him say his own.”

“How can you say Boko Haram kidnapped the Dapchi girls to embarrass the federal government?” Femi said, looking at Lai in disdain. “And just as people were expressing outrage over the senseless utterance, the picture where you wore a jacket on top of babariga started trending on social media. I was shocked when I saw that picture.”

“I don’t care what they say about that picture,” Lai retorted, shaking his head defiantly. “The cold was too much. I nearly died of cold in Spain. Even in the babariga and suit, I was freezing. I have no apologies to anyone. You can imagine how all those complaining about the picture would be rejoicing at this moment if I had died of cold.”

“But must you travel to Spain at this point, sir?” asked Shehu. “And if you must travel, must you take pictures. And if you must take pictures in inappropriate wears, must you allow them to be made public?”

“Contrary to what you people think, I deliberately dressed that way. I wanted to make the point that no matter where we find ourselves or the weather condition, we must not discard or deny our rich cultural heritage. My dressing was an expression of the resilience of the Nigerian culture.”

The other three burst out laughing. Considering the solemnity of the occasion, Lai must have said something really funny to elicit such collective, instant, mirthful expression of amusement.

“Uncle Lai, we are here to tell ourselves the truth,” Femi stated. “We are not like the rest of Nigerians you tell whatever you want and get away with it. Let’s face facts and reality here. No propaganda here please.”

“We have a tragedy in our hands.” Shehu surmised. “The bedrock of this administration are security and anti-corruption. After three years of fighting corruption, Transparency International has given us a negative ranking. And after one billion dollars have been voted recently in the fight against insurgency and after we told Nigerians that Boko Haram have been technically defeated, the terrorists have abducted 110 Dapchi schoolgirls. We are in serious trouble. That is why I called this meeting.”

“Point of correction, there is no evidence yet that the schoolgirls were abducted by Boko Haram,” Lai said. “We shouldn’t jump to hasty conclusions.”

“So who abducted them?” the three others asked almost in a chorus.

“It could be anyone – kidnappers, pedophiles, rapists, human traffickers and even members of the PDP. Have you not thought about the fact that the incident happened just as the EFCC rejected Patience Jonathan’s request for out of court settlement over stolen money? They may have realised that such an act of admission of guilt would be a huge victory for President Buhari’s anti-corruption agenda and wanted something to take the issue off headline news. I suspect the PDP.”

The others were gaping at Lai in shock or disbelief or both. He looked defiantly back at them for a while but then looked away when he realised that their looks were gradually turning to annoyance.

“Why is everyone concluding that Boko Haram was responsible for the abduction?” Lai said almost defensively. “Has Shekau released any video showing the abducted girls? What if we keep blaming Boko Haram for something they didn’t do and they get annoyed and do something terrible? I insist that you don’t accuse people unfairly. Without evidence.”

“Uncle Lai,” Lauretta called sarcastically. “Are you saying all these as a joke? Do you really believe all these you are saying?”

“I am serious. I have a haunch that PDP, Goodluck Jonathan and his wife must have something to do with this. Most of my haunches have always turned to be right.”

“The same haunch that led you to advise the president to declare Boko Haram technically defeated,” Femi said derisively.

“But they were technically defeated,” Lai protested. “At the point President Buhari made the statement, Boko Haram was truly technically defeated. They only regrouped, reorganized and started fighting again. There is a difference between ‘technically defeated’ and ‘finally defeated.’ I told the president never to say that Boko Haram was ‘finally defeated’.”

“They regrouped and reorganized with the huge ransom being paid to them by the government.” Shehu complained. “I advised against the ransom payments. We paid Boko Haram millions of dollars to secure the release of 100 Chibok Girls and abducted lecturers and they used a fraction of the money to mobilize and kidnap 110 girls, making profit in terms money and number of girls in their captivity.”

“The president was constrained to pay the ransom,” Lai explained. “We knew the risks. We knew it was a self-defeating strategy. But we were desperate for good news. The herdsmen news was all over the place and was giving the government a negative image. We had to do something to change the narrative. So when we saw an opening to pay for the release of some hostages, we had to grab it with open arms. We are grateful to the Red Cross for not disclosing the actual amount that was paid.”

“How much was actually paid?” Lauretta asked.

“Lauretta, it is better you don’t know,” Lai responded in an avuncular manner. “I wouldn’t want you to know something that may dampen your enthusiasm in the way you do your work. I have once told you that I read all your posts on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes I wonder whether you have not become a threat to my position.”

“How do you mean?”

“Don’t worry,” Lai said and then laughed. “You are doing a good job. You are a great asset to the information dissemination and management strategy of this administration.”

“So how do we respond to these twin PR tragedies in our hands?” Shehu asked. “It is over ten days since the abduction of the girls. The initial denials of the abduction, false reports of rescue and the mea culpa of finally admitting the abduction of the 110 schoolgirls have made this administration a laughing stock nationally and internationally. Those that have staked their reputations in supporting this government are hiding their faces in shame. What do we do?”

“All of you should be calm,” Lai said in a tone that blended self-assurance and arrogance. “This is Nigeria. I am still Lai. You don’t need to worry.”

“I am very worried,” Femi said. “This is unlike what we have ever witnessed since we assumed office. I can’t fathom a way we can come out of this looking good.”

“But we are already responding,” Lai stated. “Didn’t you hear about 100 airplanes deployed to look for the girls, at the rate of almost one aircraft to one abducted girl? Where on earth has such act of immense concern for the citizenry occurred before?”

“The Chief of Air Staff has released a statement denying it,” Lauretta replied. “The Nigerian Air Force has clarified that the statement by the National Security Adviser was about 100 air sorties and not 100 aircrafts.”

“I advised the Air Chief not to clarify the statement since he wasn’t the one who made it in the first place but he refused to listen to me. Well, thankfully the president has directed that he should relocate to Yobe State until the missing girls are found. Meanwhile, I have drafted a proposal for the president to direct all government functionaries to relocate to Yobe State for the meantime in solidarity with the missing girls. If adopted, the next Federal Executive Council meeting will take place in Yobe.”

“I hope you didn’t include the presidential media team as part of those to relocate to Yobe,” Lauretta asked.

“The media team should be the first to relocate,” Lai said. “You people should have firsthand information on the happenings there and would no longer depend on the Nigerian news media many of whom have turned against this government.”

“What of the honourable Minister of Information and Culture?” Femi asked in undisguised mockery. “He is the leader and a leader should lead by example.”

“I don’t need to go there. I would be shuttling between Lagos and Abuja, granting interviews and keeping a close eye on media houses. My wealth of experience is needed to respond to local and international press.”

“I can’t believe you are saying these,” Lauretta cried out. “Do they have functional hair and beauty salons in Yobe? I understand GSM network is not reliable there. How do I monitor the social media, post on Facebook and Twitter without access to reliable GSM network? I am a woman for Christ sake and the terrorists have a penchant for abducting women. Please you must exclude me from the list of those relocating to Yobe.”

“This is a time for sacrifices, madam,” Lai stated.

“Well, I’m not bothered because I know the proposal would not be approved,” Shehu said. “It won’t even get to the president. Kyari and Daura would not want to relocate to Yobe. The president himself may not mind going there. So they would make sure the proposal doesn’t get to the president. I am no worried at all.”

“What of the recent report from Transparency International?” Femi asked. “It has virtually rubbished the anti-corruption efforts of the government.”

“I have been working on that,” Lai informed them. “I am still looking for a way to blame it on Goodluck Jonathan and the PDP. But then we have Fani-Kayode’s trial continuing. And that of Joshua Dariye’s son. And the interrogation of Stella Oduah. And the trial of the former NIMASA officials. Magu has assured me that in the next one week they would make a high profile arrest or discover another property acquired by Deizani or recover a huge sum of money in a flat in Lagos or Abuja. I suggested Kano to him. I trust him to deliver. These would take the focus off the TI report.”

“What of the Fulani herdsmen?” Lauretta asked, looking somewhat relaxed for first time since the meeting started.

“Is any serious person in Nigeria still talking about Fulani herdsmen?” Lai asked and then smiled. “I know Nigerians well. Herdsmen issues no longer get front page headlines. The crocodile tears and rantings of Ortom no longer make headline news. Nigerians are now talking about snakes and monkeys swallowing money. I never knew they love allegories this much. I saw a story this morning about an elephant swallowing money at First Bank. From the comments thread, many of the readers believed the story. You people should stop worrying. If we could still be in government after telling Nigerians that rats chased the president out of his office, we can survive anything.”

“That is true,” the other three chorused.


Mayor Ikoroha is an author and public affairs analyst. He is on Twitter as @tellthemayor